Monday 6th November 1995

That is it, im laying off the bottle. (Again and again I promise this.) I felt like I was having a total breakdown. I felt 'confused', just stared into mid air thinking blank. Scary fairy. Worked on my novel to keep my mind off it and focused. Went to my Grans and saw Mum. She's getting me a therapist. Trouble is after I don't drink for a while I feel fine. It IS alcohol no doubt about it. Felt better in the evening. Wrote, read and slept.

Zero Alcohol

Tuesday 7th November 1995

Woke up feeling fine, nay feeling great!! Usual street stroll. I love the streets in the morning. Everything looks so innocent, like it could last forever. Saw Danny, he was going to the snooker hall with his brother. Very 1980s. The snooker hall was popular back then but I never went to it because snooker to me was a vandals way to have fun.
Went to the Co-op and my old French teacher tapped me on the shoulder and congratulated me on my poem that has been published in Linkway magazine. She told me it invoked stark images and also told me to get my own collection published as she couldn't afford Linkway for only one of my poems, she wants to read them all. Of course to an attention seeking vampire like myself I was glowing.
Wrote all night.

Zero Alcohol

Wednesday 8th November 1995

Awoke at 11am, I didn't go to bed until 4am. Strolled down the streets, came back, worked on poems and listened to classical music. Fantastic composers, im in utter awe of them. Went to Grans to get a dinner that Mum had dropped off for me bless her. Saw Rebecca and Jade.
Later on I scored 15 temazepam 20mg. Well if im not drinking Ive got to get to sleep somehow! I must have something potent in my bloodstream, im too electric to survive on mere oxygen. Too alive, its like im on fire every day and I need a way to dampen the flames. I exist to create and find it hard to relax.
Took 100mg Temazepam (5 tabs) at 1am and drifted off to Wind In The Willows.

Thursday 9th November 1995

Got to go to the solicitors today with Stu. Nothing bad, just to sign some document for father. Awfully bad manners being cagey about it on fathers part but that him all over: a sly cold man.
Stu & Gonk arrived at 12.30pm and we went to Gareth & Andrea's house where we stayed until 2.10pm. Signed the document in Llanelli, went home and bought 15 eggs (temazepam 20mg) off...well thats a secret ahem!!
Danny phoned saying he'd call up but never did. I took a few Mogadon 10mg in the day with Stu & Gonk. In the evening I took 4 green eggs (80mg) and drank. I'll be okay tomorrow. Phoned Sam, there won't be a party on the phone bill. I told her she had a cute laugh.

Friday 10th November 1995

Awoke ok. The books I had ordered arrived, now for some serious reading. Wrote and read, viva literature. Calm this afternoon, dropped some temazepam 20mg and drank. John & Danny called over, I think Simon did too, im not sure! I also think we went to the Port but can't be certain. The joys of drink and valium. Where? Who? Why? When? Shock!!
Buzzed the entire day then :)

Saturday 11th November 1995

Went to Grans and saw Mum. Got the usual shant (alcohol) and pie & chips from Barrie's chippy. Its become a ritual, I think she's making sure I at least eat right before drinking. Wrote all afternoon like a demon working on a new spell.
John called over in the evening and of course we drank, and we went to Lorraine's nextdoor. Didn't stay long, John went to the Yacht club and I went home to continue drinking antisocially. Im not a fan of pubs and clubs, they usually bring out the worst in people. Especially people who can't handle their beer and start fights for little or no reason. Pathetic, cowardly wan*ers.
Dropped into bed like a drunken slug.

Sunday 12th November 1995

Went to Mums for lunch again. Saw Rebecca & Jade all day. My head was a little 'spun out' due to my alcohol intake but it doesn't stop me from drinking again in the evening. Will I ever learn?? Nope I don't think so. Trouble is im not sure what I am: alcoholic or heavy drinker because I can stop without the shakes usually. I suppose it makes no difference since Im not really planning on quitting for good anyway. And both are equally bad for ones health.

Monday 13th November 1995

Woke up feeling slightly depressed again! Its a pain in the ass!! Bloody alcohol, she's either a loving wife or a slapstick bitch. Started reading 'Return to Sodom & Gomorrah' by Charles Pellegrino. Its pretty deep, questioning the begining of the earth.
Ate dinner, took a mouthful of reheated pork. Bad stomach in the evening which could have been the pork. Or it could have been the vast amounts of cider. Switched to beer later in the night. Took some more eggs too (Temazepam 20mg).
Slept soundly in a alcohol/chemical induced cloud.

Tuesday 14th November 1995

Had a shower this morning, a thing I rarely do as I prefer bathing. I love to swill in my own scum. Feeling halk and half. Went into Llanelli with Mum. I need to get transport soon. John called over to get his keys but only stayed 5 minutes because we both have work to do.
Got drunk in the evening as usual. My liver must be bad, its been working overtime for 8 years now, but people have been drinking for longer. There is a few I could mention....

Wednesday 15 November 1995

Feeling fine. Walked down the streets and bought some beer. I went to see my Gran in the evening and saw Mum, Stu, Ann Marie, Rebecca and Jade. Wrote a bit but not in my Grans obviously.
Took some Temazepam 20mg and got pissed. Christmas will be upon us before we know it. I have a downer on Christmas because we get real greedy, real quick. Its vulgar and ruins the soul of man.

Thursday 16th November 1995

Wrote all day as usual. Im a writer so thats a given. Got some ale in. In the evening, (drunk of course) I phoned Sam! She invited me to go up and I told her 'yes sure, i'll come by plane!' 'A plane?' She asked. 'Not a private one, comercial.' I replied. Sheer madness. I don't know whether she believed me or not but she said she would write with plans on where to go. Went to bed drunk and happy. She sounds okay but then again things never go right for a drunk with girls.

Friday 17th November 1995

No letter from Sam, although I only phoned her last night ha!! Wrote in the day. Went over to Johns later on. Danny was already there. We ended up drinking in the Portobello. Polly was there, and I overheard the barman ask her where Yoda was. So I was right, she is going out with him. Damn!! But I think i'm going off her, I like someone else, someone who's inspired me to write a poem about her. Well not really about her, more about lust. Ive disguised it of course, cunning ghoul that I am. Its dangerous because not only am I blessed with the alcoholics slyness, I also have a knack of being able to read almost any human being I come across. I know what they're thinking. Combine both these gifts and I am even more cunning than a cunning fox.
Drunk as a lord :)

Saturday 18th November 1995

Went to Grans. The usual crowd was there. Took a green egg (Temazepam 20mg) and drank a few Hoochs. Bliss feeling!! I thoroughly enjoy mixing tranqs with booze. Went to Mums, took my laptop with me to work. Nothing more to add other than the fact I continued to get VERY drunk. Obliterated. Trashed. Wrecked. Hammered. Beautifully wasted.

Sunday 19th November 1995

Worst day of my short life!!!!! It CANNOT get worse than this. Total beakdown in my head. Sick all day in the toilet. Felt like I would end up in a mental institution. Really bloody ill. I gotta quit. Ive spent so many years trying to get out of my head that im having a little trouble getting back in. A 25 year old should never feel like this.

Zero Alcohol

Monday 20th November 1995

My stomach is better but my mind is still f**ked. Feel like a confused child. Didn't sleep until 4am. Going home today. Asked Mum to get me Nytol and she phoned a therapist for me. I'm not to drink he told her on the phone. (Yeah yeah like i'll listen). I'll see him next week.
Drink only hides the problems for a few hours. Watched television. Took 2 Nytol and slept an hour later.

Zero Alcohol

NB I never did see the therapist. I f**ked it all off like the petulant, stubborn poet I am.

Tuesday 21st November 1995

Woke up feeling better. I think it will take a week to rid my system of the toxins I have put into it. From now on I am only drinking water. Ive hit a black spot in my creative cloud, although it might be my state of mind. Played on the SNES most of the day, not constructive I know. Went to Grans at 5pm. Back home by 8pm. played the SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System)again. Well its better than drinking.

Zero Alcohol

Wednesday 22nd November 1995

Woke up feeling ok. Danny called and asked if I was drinking. I told him I hadn't drank since Saturday where I had a bad time of it. He said it was boring when not drinking but I told him I was a better laugh these days without the sauce. I'll never understand how it can be boring without alcohol. I can enjoy without beer. But I enjoy more with it.

Friday 24th November 1995

This can't be right, awoke 9am. I only went to bed at 5.30am!?? Top stuff that Nytol *Soaked in sarcasm* Got a cold, went to the shops in the pissing rain to get lozenges. Hope I can nip it in the bud. They (whoever 'they' are) have found a cure for colds I have no doubt. Trouble is big companies make too much money from 'cold remedies' to release the cure.
I wasn't going to drink tonight but Lorraine nextdoor phoned so I went over and indulged in booze. She went to get cigs later on and Ade & Mike came back with her. They were drunk too so I left them to it, went home. Ate, drank, puked and slept.

Sunday 26 November 1995

Went to Mums today for lunch. My neices Rebecca and Jade were there. I say I want kids of my own but then again I couldn't handle the responsibilty. Drank a little, played the SNES.

Monday 27th November 1995

Woke up and took a bath. An early bath is a fine thing when the sun's rays (in November?!) seeps through the glass and settles on the skin. Cooked a fair old meal, chicken, chicken wings and eggs. Breakfast. Tempted to have a Hooch with it but resisted. Rented Pulp Fiction. Its not as good as the reviews it had. Its simple blood lust - drug fuelled bosh really.
Drank Hooch all night. Its bloody lovely stuff, I wish the cans were bigger though. I can finish 4 in ten minutes easily. Dropped 3 Nytol too (oops!) Watched Prisoner and slept.

Tuesday 28th November 1995

Went into town and said hello to the actor who plays Percy My Lady in Licoris Olsorts (Welsh comedy). Went home and started drinking & smoking, a one off. (Yeah right - Doubting Ed)
Got pissed, happy and comatose. ZZZZzzzz!!

Wednesday 29th November 1995

I'll have to apply the brakes a little. The booze gets to you after a while, the delicious lick, the blissful stab turns sour after prolonged over usage. My creative vein has dried up. Actually thats bullshit, ive created 'PoArtry', coined a new phrase as John said. Its art & poetry together. 'The Unseen Upside Down Deadman' has finally been pinned to my ceiling. Basically an old sweater & trousers with a foam head. He is cool, a nice focal point to the room.
Got utterly pissed and unapproachable. A real vicious wretch.

Thursday 30th November 1995

I can't stop drinking!! Okay i'm alcoholic but its a disease not a curse. And I am in the minority in believing alcoholism CAN be cured. We are not social lepers. Ahem...perhaps I am but I WANT to be socially leprous. But to prove to myself im not utterly alone I went tocall John. He told me he was on his way to call me. I staggered to the Co-op to get more booze.
John and Danny called. Its nice to have some company. We got drunk together like disabled dinosaurs at a watering hole.
Mega Drunk Inc.

Friday 1st December 1995

BLEUUUURRRRRGGGG!!!!!!

I know I drank today but can't really remember how much or what I did to be honest. I probably daydreamed of lusty, nubile nymphomaniacs with breasts the size of cows udders and an itchy whip. I probably put too much cholesterol in my veins. Bacon and egg sandwiches should be knighted!! The chap who 'discovered' them I mean. Nope on second thought im in the mood for being absurd, arise Sir Bacon & Egg Sandwich.

Pissed to the gills.

Saturday 2nd December 1995

Nervous breakdown day. Knew this would happen. Have not felt this bad before, felt like a brain explosion all day and night. The Suicide Monster lurked about too, it was that bad.
Detox begins. I need to get this dragon put down.

Zero Alcohol

Sunday 3rd December 1995

Recovering slowly. I won't get into that state again!! The ultimate test will be Christmas. The Season Of The Pig :@)
Watched 'Papillon'. Brilliant film starring McQueen & Hoffman. I love it. Wrote all night - until 5am. Good going.

Zero Alcohol

Monday 4th December 1995

Dreamt nice things which I wrote down. Dreams bore other people so I will keep them to myself. Or maybe they'll turn up in my poems. Feeling better every day. Lord guide me through with courage and wisdom. (I sound like a bible thumper there).
Still feeling a little headf**ked but I will get over it. I wanted to go visit Mum but i'll go tomorrow instead. Wrote all day.
Started a poetry collection which I've called 'Porn Soup'. Bed 5am.

Zero Alcohol

Tuesday 5th December 1995

Excited about 'Porn Soup'. I will work on it until I drop. Went to Mothers around 2pm and worked on my lap top. Handy little portable thing I got. Rented Interview With A Vampire. 4/10 The first half hour is fine but it goes downhill from there on. Pitt plays good character though. A beautiful, hesitant bloodsucker.
Im going good, although better not jinx myself ha!! Went to bed 4am.

Zero Alcohol

Wednesday 6th December 1995

Bloody bedroom is like Antartica. I could keep cow carcases in here. Nice idea too. Went to Llanelli and bought Pulp's new cd, its damned good too.Tempted to buy 8 bottles of Hooch (alcoholic lemonade) but resisted. Got the new Liam Neeson film Rob Roy, much better! 7/10 If you like swashbuckling romance you'lllll llllove iiiitt!! Eating like a greedy f**king pig. A monstrous boar that I am.
Went to bed at 11pm but a waste of time. I lay awake all night worrying about madness and alcoholism. Dread night of cold.

Zero Alcohol

Thursday 7th December 1995

Yawn yawn yawn!! God I feel awake but very tired. Had breakfast with Mum & Stu at 7.15am. Went back to Burry Port at 11.15am. Went to Grans for a chat. Its bloody FREEZING! We will all be found in a 1000 years frozen as we stand in shop windows like agog zombies. Slept in the afternoon. Woke at 7pm and dad told me that Danny had phoned. Im too bushed to do anything. Wrote.

Zero Alcohol

Thursday 14th December 1995

The Squirrel should be home today. Im starting to write a piece on trains oddly enough but it is in utter desperation as I seem to have dried up. A dastardly case of writer's block.
John, Danny and myself went to Spar. I thought Paula would be there but fate was merciful and she wasn't. I have raved about her in the past but now ive fallen for beauty. We all got pissed up. John kept ripping the filters off his ciggies!? Strange lad. We watched 'The Breakfast Club', a brilliant 80's film. 'Im knocking skulls!' Class.

Friday 15th December 1995

There are no more entries to this diary. Alcohol might have contributed to the dry spell. How ironic.